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How to lose (and find) your boyfriend

February 1st, 2011 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Shenanigans, Stories
  1. Take the only set of keys between the two of you. Make sure his phone is out of battery with a broken screen.
  2. Get into an argument about keeping each other informed of whereabouts right before he leaves his office to come home.
  3. Watch a movie and fail to notice when he allegedly rings doorbell.
  4. Get excited when it’s close to the time he’s supposed to get home.
  5. Realize he never showed up.
  6. 30 minutes after supposed time of arrival (STA), begin to panic. Assure yourself he made a pit stop somewhere.
  7. 1.5 hours after STA, really panic. Fling open door to see if he’s standing outside, waiting.
  8. Devolve into a state of utter fear and alarm. 2.5 hours after STA, run around the neighborhood with nothing but a blanket to keep warm with to see if his dead, lifeless body is lying in the road, blown to bits by New Year fireworks.
  9. No? Go back home, collapse in sobs and pray to God that he’s still alive and unhurt. Start frantically calling and IM’ing friends about what to do.
  10. Advised to calm down and wait to see if he shows up at work tomorrow, 10 whole hours later. Start trying to find out contact information of people who may know his whereabouts.
  11. Try to sleep on couch, but really just praying silently that he’ll come back home. Hear a noise at 2:30 a.m., look outside, but nothing.
  12. Call the British embassy missing persons hotline 8.5 hours after STA. Instructed to call local police.
  13. Tear room apart looking for boyfriend’s phone.
  14. 9.5 hours after STA, open door for one last check. Scream at the lump lying on the doorstep. It’s boyfriend! Immediately dissolve into uncontrollable, convulsing blubbery sobbing and broken sentences: “I thouuuughghghgguthgh … oh Gaaaahhhooooddddd … where haaaavve youuuuuuuu wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
  15. Put him on a leash.*

I need to move to a place with crime incident and accident reports. It would help a lot in times like this. Thanks to everyone who talked me through my increasing state of hysteria as I let my worst fears take over.

*Not really

Inside a Chinese hospital

June 8th, 2010 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Life, Stories

I had the great fortune of visiting a public Chinese hospital yesterday — Beijing Tongren Hospital (北京同仁医院).

Bright and early on a Monday morning, around 7, I asked the taxi driver to take me to the hospital. He drops me off on the opposite corner of a busy intersection, with the hospital rising high above its surrounding buildings. It was tucked behind a few hutongs from where I was dropped off. So close, yet so far away.

I finally find the entrance to the hospital on the opposite side, after wandering down the hutongs for a while. But what do I see when I finally made it out onto a main street? TWO Tongren Hospitals, one on each side of the street. Nothing seemed to differentiate them on the outside, so I just go to the one that was on my side.

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Taiwan at the WTTC’s annual conference

May 26th, 2010 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Media, Stories, Work

Summits are not my thing. Even as much as I love travelling, the World Travel and Tourism Council’s annual get-together in Beijing these few days is just a bit dry and (save for a few interesting reports) unenlightening. Where’s anything about eco-tourism? Voluntourism? They did talk a lot about sustainability and doing environmentally-friendly things (especially questioning the airline industry), but what about non-traditional travel that really tries to reinvent the meaning of tourism?

Anyway, two things that did amuse me to no end:

  • Newsweek, one of the summit’s sponsors, had a booth with issues of its May 24 and 31 double issue on global travel. In it is an article about Taiwan that described it as an “island nation.” Some poor worker had gone through literally hundreds, if not thousands, of copies with a Sharpie and blotted out “nation” in all of them.
  • During one panel discussion, moderator Erin Burnett of CNBC introduced herself as a big fan of travel, saying she has a goal of visiting 100 countries before proudly stating that she had visited her 65th one earlier in the week (or last week). Then she said that country was Taiwan. A very brief pause followed as the audience silently and collectively gasped, while Burnett immediately realized her faux pas: “…which sort of counts on my list,” she tried to clarify.

CNY fireworks show puts Fourth of July to shame

February 14th, 2010 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Reflections, Stories, Travels

The Chinese are so different so often that sometimes it’s easy to forget they still are fundamentally like the rest of us.* Enter the Lunar New Year. The atmosphere leading up to the big day is something akin to the end of the year for us Christians/Westerners. The warm holiday spirit infuses everybody and everything. People are happy, animated and generous; there is an electricity and excitement that even a complete hermit or someone who had just come out from under a rock would be hard pressed to miss.

And then, when the clock strikes midnight, something really magical happens. Or it did last night. There was no 10-second countdown. The Chinese countdown lasts much longer and builds up for days. Fireworks, firecrackers and sparklers go off randomly during the day and night the week before, gradually more and more often in anticipation. And then–

Up on the 32nd floor of a downtown Tianjin hotel, we got a fantastic view of the city from our room. And as far as our eyes could see, there were fireworks going off in every corner, every street. Imagine! — this was happening all across the country!** It was near-spiritual to witness. We’ve never seen anything like it. The Chinese went crazy! More gunpowder was used that night than in the two World Wars combined! We watched for about 15 minutes, crawled back into bed and fell asleep to the blasts, which died down within an hour but lasted into the night.

* I don’t mean to imply that they’re not people — just that they’re really different.

**Granted, Tianjin is a relatively big city, so perhaps in the little villages, the show wasn’t so spectacular.

More on snow

January 9th, 2010 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Stories

Last week, I was wondering where the snow was. Shortly after I posted, the snow cometh. And it didn’t stop coming for almost an entire day. And then I learned how awful snow is. Consider:

  • My birthday, last Monday, was probably one of the coldest day on record for Beijing — it was definitely the coldest day of my life. That night (early Tuesday morning), it dipped down to minus 16 degrees Celsius, the coldest temperature in almost 30 years.
  • The clouds dumped about 30 centimeters (almost a foot) of snow on Beijing, the most in almost 60 years. This completely crippled transportation — I have never seen the streets so empty here. It was nearly impossible to get a taxi. We probably waited close to an hour before getting one at a hotel. It did, however, make my morning commute relatively smooth.
  • What China lacks in technology, it makes up for in manpower. This may have never been more obvious. About 300,000 workers were mobilized in Beijing to shovel and sweep (only in China) snow from the streets and sidewalks. Also, sand (?!) was dumped on the roads to make them less slippery. It works, but it also makes everything gross and muddy.

Needless to say, I’m not a big fan of snow anymore. For once, I am glad it didn’t snow, as it was forecasted to yesterday. I kind of wonder if the government had something to do with it. (The Chinese government loves messing with the clouds. They caused the snow on Halloween.) Instead, temperatures are warming up! It might rise above freezing this week! What a twist!

Wondering if the snow is going to remain on the sidewalks and ground all winter…

First foreign Christmas off to an un-Christmasy start

December 25th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Stories, Work

This year, I get to celebrate Christmas a whole 13 hours earlier! But all that excitement was negated by the perils of the Beijing work commute.

1) It’s 12 degrees outside, with a very brutal wind blowing, which makes it feel like -7 degrees.

2) I ended up having to wait in this -7-degree wind for 20 minutes for the bus.

3) For absolutely no reason other than the sheer inability of Beijing drivers to drive non-haphazardly and in way that would ensure a smoother flow of traffic, it took 45 minutes for the bus to go three stops down Xisanhuan Beilu, or about 3 kilometers.

As a result, I am frozen and 45 minutes late* for work. Still, it’s Christmas, and I’m determined to make merry. Turning on the Christmas music now and opening my lone present.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

(NB: Work starts at 8:30 a.m. I leave the apartment by 7:45, and the bus ride usually takes less than 20 minutes.)

I love my dad

December 24th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in Stories

A Christmas Eve conversation over instant messaging:

Daddy (9:44:51 PM) god idea
Daddy (9:44:56 PM) good
Daddy (9:45:24 PM) god is good also
Me  (9:45:38 PM) it’s his son’s birthday tomorrow
Daddy (9:45:38 PM) either one good
Daddy (9:45:55 PM no
Daddy (9:46:52 PM) I don’t know when, but sure not is tomorrow
Daddy (9:47:06 PM) 12-25 is man made
Daddy (9:48:08 PM) Jew even say Jesus not born yet
Me (9:50:05 PM) haha
Me (9:50:11 PM) i heard his real birthday is in march
Daddy (9:50:37 PM) something like that

Finally

December 5th, 2009 by Johanna | 1 comment | Filed in China, Stories

Today is Dec. 4, three months after I accepted a job offer in China. I am still in the United States.

The Chinese embassy has approved my visa (Z class, sometimes known as a Foreign Expert visa — thanks, China, for recognizing my brilliance!). I am cleared to go back to Beijing to work, and I will arrive there Dec.14.

For anyone keeping track, I accepted the job offer Sept. 4. And for those of you who are considering working for a Chinese firm, here are some obstacles you might run into: (more…)

The long road home

August 13th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Stories, Travels, USA! USA!

1223 Beijing time

Beijing Capital International Airport — Less than an hour until my flight. I think I might even be boarding soon! But I’m in a small cafe in the corner of the gate, which is tucked in the basement below all of the other terminals. My return to the U.S. has not begun well. Air China overbooked Flight 981, so I got stuck with an aisle seat. For 13 hours. Oy.

Then I had to walk probably a mile and half with all of my stuff (there’s a lot of it) to Gate E52, which ended up being in the basement. Now I’m sipping a latte, which is actually a cappuccino, and it’s really small, and I paid 29 kuai for it. I wanted to use the Internet, but it’s not working. I guess I already have spent 229 kuai today, charged to my debit card, which I hope won’t rack up huge conversion costs. Please, Wachovia, spare me.

This is my first coffee I’ve had since I left the States. I can’t believe I’m leaving still …

Goodbyes were short and sweet but otherwise anti-climactic, as goodbyes usually are. Shouldn’t there be something to mark my leave? I barely notice that I’m gone.

I miss Beijing already. My last picture of Beijing is one of my breakfast, a shao bing jia jidan.

Byebye, Beijing =(

1248 Beijing time

Aboard CA Flight 981 — It gets worse. After walking for a mile and half, I then had to be transported to the airplane via bus, a ride that lasted about five minutes. Then I had to climb stairs to the door of a Boeing 747-400 in the blazing Beijing heat that struck a couple of days ago, under a sun that isn’t being blocked by the usual Beijing smog. Just to be clear: I’m carrying the maximum-size carry-on suitcase, a large bookbag and a huge purse that weighs even more. Everything is stuffed full. Thanks, China Air, for being too cheap to rent a real terminal. Oh, and I’m also in heels, which I decided to wear because they took up more room in my suitcase than my flip-flops. I realize I am a bit excessive and have completely dressed and packed wrong for the occasion, but don’t they realize that some people have three months worth of luggage? I paid 200 RMB for my overweight luggage, which if it had been 2 kilograms more would be triple that price. Actually, it was 2 kilograms more. I had to repack my luggage and cram things into my carry-ons and other checked bag. Oy.

Please, please, Wachovia, do not make me pay a ridiculous amount for paying in a different currency.

Less than 10 minutes until scheduled takeoff. Half of the people aren’t even seated, yet, so we’ll see. (more…)

Cat and Joh’s Great Datong Ice Cream Adventure

August 11th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Food, Shenanigans, Stories, Travels

After coming back from our big adventure to the Hanging Monastery, we rested for a bit at our hotel. We decided we weren’t very hungry but should eat anyway around 8 p.m., so we went to the hotel next door. It had a pretty nice restaurant (we had eaten there the night before). We ordered some vegetables, xiao chi and dao xiao mian (knife-cut noodleds), a regional specialty. It was very good and a lot of food. You may recall that we weren’t hungry. We stuffed ourselves silly. At the end of the meal, Catherine starts telling me about how southern Chinese people traditionally believe that there are compartments in our stomachs for each flavor and that her sweet compartment is still hungry. I told her mine was, too. It was bingqilin time. (more…)

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