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Long nian kuai le, and other stories

February 13th, 2012 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Life, Shenanigans, Travels

Winter. It’s boring and cold, especially in Beijing, which turns into a giant windy freezer box for a good four months. I blame the cold for everything, including my disinterest in writing.

But I have actually been up to stuff, such as:

  • Looking for an apartment. Man, what a hassle! Especially in the cold. After going, in the cold, to see a crappy apartment, you just don’t feel like looking at anymore. Instead, you feel torn about whether you want to go back out into the cold or stay in the crappy apartment, which is dirty and decorated weird, but is shielding you from the cold. Nevertheless the real estate agent, who speaks to you in a jarring voice that could only be described as soothing robot voice, drags you to see another apartment anyway, which is too expensive. And crappy.
  • Finding an apartment. Wow! Boyfriend and I totally lucked out. We found a huge apartment for a great price and it’s opposite a park and not much further to the office than old current apartment! And we didn’t have to pay an annoying, unhelpful agent for it.
  • Getting tired of Chinese New Year festivities. Can it be? After two years of month-long firework extravaganzas, I was growing tired of the spectacularly loud and colorful displays of exploding gunpowder? Hmm. Maybe not tired of, but not as impressed and enthralled by. Or can I chalk up my malaise to tighter government regulations?
  • (Speaking of fireworks, I cannot NOT get giddy and excited when I see colorful explosions in the sky. But how come Chinese people look bored when they set them off? Is that what decades of setting off fireworks does to someone?)
  • Buying pet dragons. It’s the Year of the Dragon!
  • Going to the Philippines. I went to five of them, in fact. I did not detect any hostilities remaining from the hostage deaths incident of 2010. Nope, they were very friendly and servicey. Unfortunately, there were also a lot of Chinese, who I presume were also taking a break from China. Still, I nominate it for Best Holiday Ever.
  • Getting tan, parasailing, bananananana boating, falling into ocean, playing badminton and beach volleyball, driving a motorbike, taking boyfriend on motorbike ride, staying in a bungalow, staying in a resort, staying at a bed and breakfast, being an extra in a movie, snorkeling, wading through shallow waters to get to a boat, climbing into one boat from another boat, getting sunburned on a boat with a 5-pound coconut.
  • Watching three of my teams lose in the same week, all from last-quarter/minute/extra time comebacks. God, how depressing. (The last one was just Sunderland in a non-important match, and I only care about them because boyfriend gets upset if they lose, but man, unnecessary. The other teams shall remain unnamed.)
  • Moving. I’ve never hired movers before, but they are so efficient! I hadn’t even finished packing and they had all my shit in the truck ready to go. Jesus. They make me WANT to move. Then, boyfriend and I spent the past weekend scrubbing and cleaning and unpacking and organizing and rearranging. Now that most of it is out of the way, we can go furniture shopping!

So that was the last 5.5 weeks in a nutshell.

Running errands can be pleasant, after all

June 11th, 2011 by Johanna | 1 comment | Filed in China, Shenanigans

I’m on a roll! I’ve just had two consecutive mafan-free (no hassle) experiences with the Chinese bureaucracy. The first, yesterday, was at the post office, mailing your postcards. Over the past year, I’ve gone to the post office to mail something, only to be told that I couldn’t mail it or that it was written in the wrong color ink or a dozen other weird excuses. Moreover, it is usually some old surly lady basically barking at me and giving me short shrift. Not yesterday, though! It was a young-ish woman who accepted my postcards, written in pink (formerly unacceptable), and who seemed on the cheerful side of indifference. She even smiled at me when she handed me my change and I said “thank you” and left. Pleasant!

Then today, when I went to my “local” police bureau to register my address (so China knows where I live for tabs-keeping purposes), they didn’t give me any crap for not registering earlier, in the three months since I’ve changed addresses. Furthermore, the last time I was registered was in December, when my residence permit expired. Not registering has been known to result in hefty fines and even deportation. I consider myself quite lucky.

By the way, all foreigners are required to be registered with their “local” police stations. If you’re staying at a hotel, the hotel sends your passport and visa information to them. It sounds a bit scary, but for most people it’s something they wouldn’t think about again. For others, such as al-Jazeera’s Melissa Chan, who are of more interest to local police, it could become a bit troublesome.

The biggest worry about registering at the popo is that it’s just a hassle. Technically, you’re supposed to inform them of your whereabouts within 24 hours of a change. Fines of up to 500 kuai PER DAY can apply. Some people even say that you’re supposed to re-register after returning from an overseas trip, also within 24 hours. This is obviously all very mafan. I mean, what if I return on a weekday? The police stations aren’t open past normal working hours, and I’m not taking time off work just to register. Not to mention, the term “local police station” is a total misnomer. It sounds like it’s close to you and all, but it’s not necessarily. There may even be another police station closer to you that isn’t your “local” one. My local police station is half-an-hour’s walk away, and it’s not on the way to anything, either. Did I mention I got hailed on when I went there on Saturday? It was relatively sunny/smoggy when we left, but 10 minutes later, the weather changed. Then it started dripping, and the next thing I know, I’m being attacked by ice balls falling from the sky. All because I was trying to obey Chinese laws.

But I’m not complaining because I didn’t get fined or deported. All the police lady did was ask me for my passport and my lease, then made me sign my Temporary Household Registration Form. She didn’t smile, like the post office lady did, but in China, this is already a blessing.

How to lose (and find) your boyfriend

February 1st, 2011 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Shenanigans, Stories
  1. Take the only set of keys between the two of you. Make sure his phone is out of battery with a broken screen.
  2. Get into an argument about keeping each other informed of whereabouts right before he leaves his office to come home.
  3. Watch a movie and fail to notice when he allegedly rings doorbell.
  4. Get excited when it’s close to the time he’s supposed to get home.
  5. Realize he never showed up.
  6. 30 minutes after supposed time of arrival (STA), begin to panic. Assure yourself he made a pit stop somewhere.
  7. 1.5 hours after STA, really panic. Fling open door to see if he’s standing outside, waiting.
  8. Devolve into a state of utter fear and alarm. 2.5 hours after STA, run around the neighborhood with nothing but a blanket to keep warm with to see if his dead, lifeless body is lying in the road, blown to bits by New Year fireworks.
  9. No? Go back home, collapse in sobs and pray to God that he’s still alive and unhurt. Start frantically calling and IM’ing friends about what to do.
  10. Advised to calm down and wait to see if he shows up at work tomorrow, 10 whole hours later. Start trying to find out contact information of people who may know his whereabouts.
  11. Try to sleep on couch, but really just praying silently that he’ll come back home. Hear a noise at 2:30 a.m., look outside, but nothing.
  12. Call the British embassy missing persons hotline 8.5 hours after STA. Instructed to call local police.
  13. Tear room apart looking for boyfriend’s phone.
  14. 9.5 hours after STA, open door for one last check. Scream at the lump lying on the doorstep. It’s boyfriend! Immediately dissolve into uncontrollable, convulsing blubbery sobbing and broken sentences: “I thouuuughghghgguthgh … oh Gaaaahhhooooddddd … where haaaavve youuuuuuuu wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
  15. Put him on a leash.*

I need to move to a place with crime incident and accident reports. It would help a lot in times like this. Thanks to everyone who talked me through my increasing state of hysteria as I let my worst fears take over.

*Not really

Viva la resistance

September 23rd, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Shenanigans

Ah, the Internet. I love it. It just makes things so easy. You can take up serious and worthy causes without making them serious or worthwhile, just to get some lulz. I’m going to need some lulz to make it through a whole year on the Chinese Internet.

This quick intro guide provides great tips on just one way to subvert the Chinese government. The operation is called Project Cntroll, as in, China troll.

More on Datong

August 24th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Shenanigans, Travels, Work

I wasn’t planning on writing anything for work about my mini-holidays, but I had such an adventure in Datong that I thought it’d be a pity to leave it all out. It turned out to be a little info guide for would-be visitors to Hengshan and the Hanging Monastery.

Cat and Joh’s Great Datong Ice Cream Adventure

August 11th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Food, Shenanigans, Stories, Travels

After coming back from our big adventure to the Hanging Monastery, we rested for a bit at our hotel. We decided we weren’t very hungry but should eat anyway around 8 p.m., so we went to the hotel next door. It had a pretty nice restaurant (we had eaten there the night before). We ordered some vegetables, xiao chi and dao xiao mian (knife-cut noodleds), a regional specialty. It was very good and a lot of food. You may recall that we weren’t hungry. We stuffed ourselves silly. At the end of the meal, Catherine starts telling me about how southern Chinese people traditionally believe that there are compartments in our stomachs for each flavor and that her sweet compartment is still hungry. I told her mine was, too. It was bingqilin time. (more…)

Qingdao ahoy!

August 8th, 2009 by Johanna | 1 comment | Filed in China, Shenanigans, Stories, Travels

Actually, there isn’t anything ! about Qingdao. Wait, no, there is one thing, and here it is:

The one good thing about Qingdao: I found an ice cream place that serves ice cream on a waffle cone — three delicious scoops for only six kuai! And on our last night, I tried to get some for dessert, but the place had already closed. Devastated, I loitered around for a few moments. The really sweet guy who worked there noticed me, and perhaps even remembered me from a couple of days before, and said he can still get me some ice cream on a waffle cone if I wanted it. He was all smiley and happy to serve me, too. It was the cutest thing ever, and it made my night.

Besides that, Qingdao was full of potential greatness, but we were let down repeatedly. Perhaps it was because we had absolutely no idea where Qingdao was, what it looked like or what to do there, no plans and no time to think about any of these things. But I was still expecting something exciting. (more…)

Heading for the home stretch

August 5th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Reflections, Shenanigans, Work

It’s hard to believe that my summer in Beijing is nearing the end. I leave a week from tomorrow. It’s already August, but I have had no concept of time here. It doesn’t feel like I will be going home soon–probably because I can’t fathom that I’ve already been here for 10 weeks. These weeks have flown, and it seems like I just arrived. And yet, it feels like I’ve been here for forever.

I don’t want to dwell on this too much because it’s making me really sad.

I have been super-uber busy these past couple of weeks. I caught a minor cold a few weeks back and have been recovering since. Chris and I took a long weekend to Dandong, and I just found out yesterday that my uncle has been staying there for the past month or so. We came back, did our last burger story, wrapped up the internship with an evaluation-presentation, celebrated our last day with some coworkers (including a new one, with whom Chris is infatuated), then took off for Qingdao for another long weekend. (More on Qingdao later.) Chris and I returned yesterday evening for his final dinner (hotpot) in China, celebrated in the company of our closest work friends, and then a few rounds of beer. Now he’s gone, and it hasn’t quite hit me.

Tonight, Pang Li and I will try to get tickets to see Up, which just came out here.

Tomorrow, I’m off to Datong with Catherine, the last remaining intern. We plan to come back Saturday.

Catherine heads back to the States on Monday.

Meanwhile, I still have one more hamburger story to write for work and perhaps some stuff on Dandong or Qingdao. I have many, many pictures I need to post.

More firsts

June 14th, 2009 by Johanna | Leave comments | Filed in China, Life, Reflections, Shenanigans

What a weekend! Work kept us busy with all these fun activities. Thursday night was our karaoke/office “Idol” competition (First #1) — which I am proud to say, my roommate has made it to the final round based on his performance of Stray Cats’ “Stray Cat Strut.”

Then Friday afternoon, we boarded a bus to Hongluo Mountain for a work retreat (First #2). We were also given 170 kuai to spend at the hotel, which bought me two games of bowling, a round (?) of archery (First #3) and a 30 minute back massage (First #4), with almost 40 kuai leftover. That doesn’t include the joy of having my coworkers’ company nor the joy of making new friends with the folks at the railway bureau in the Song and Dance Room. Now they knew how to do karaoke.

The next morning, we began ascending the mountain bright and early. There is also a Buddhist temple near the foot of the mountain and a Tian Men (Heaven’s Gate) at the very top. Rather stupidly, I was ill-prepared. I should have known Chinese mountains (First #5) are not like American mountains. There are no cutbacks and footpaths; rather, there are stairs more or less straight to the top. St. Peter wasn’t there to greet me when I made it, either.

But the real adventure was coming down the mountain. There was an “Alpine Coaster” about half-way up the mountain, and the name pretty much says it all. They strap people into these individual cars and then link the cars together to form a train. A guy in the first car works the breaks, and luckily for us, our driver’s breaks were broken. It was like a real roller coaster!

Today, Chris and I checked out the Silk Market and South Chaoyang District. We got badminton gear and played some pick-up badminton (First #6) at The Place, which was actually a really cool place to be. The Place is a shopping mall, I think, with mostly Western clothing stores; I saw a Zara, Guess, Jack n Jones, Mango and French Connection. But there are these three or four giant LCD screens covering a huge open plaza where kids and their parents were throwing these big disks. Essentially, each of these discs is made of plastic balloon stuff wrapped around a hoola hoop with a little bit of air inside. A grand staircase overlooking the plaza provided a great place for couples and friends to sit and people-watch. Also, a Juice Avenue stand had really kick-ass Hong Kong-style boba. It was a great night at The Place.

That’s another thing about China that I love: People go outside and hang out at night. Not at a bar or a friend’s house, but just outside — on the sidewalks, in the hutongs, on the outdoor plaza of some shopping mall. They’ll throw around some cheap toy, play pickup badminton or a game a chess, or just talk — in Chinese, they call it liao tian (??), or chatting the day away. It’s a sense of camaraderie and of simple pleasures that completely erases all notion of an earlier time when business and brusqueness ruled the day. It’s where you discover the heart of the Chinese.

Quick Takes: Observations on the Chinese Way

June 5th, 2009 by Johanna | 1 comment | Filed in China, Food, Reflections, Shenanigans
  • In China, it is possible to lock someone in the house. This happened to me the other morning, as in, my roommate locked me inside our apartment. I thought I was going crazy, forgetting how to open the door. Fortunately, I was not losing my mind. The door doesn’t unlock from the inside if it is locked from the outside.
  • The scariest few moments of my life occur when I am opening the door to a bathroom stall. I am afraid it will reveal a really filthy squat toilet. Or just a squat toilet in general.
  • The crosswalk between the Gongzhufenbei bus stop and the Gongzhufen subway station entrance is the funnest crosswalk to cross ever. It’s a melee of taxis, buses, cars and cyclists traveling on the side road of Sanhuan Dajie (the third ring) spilling out onto a traffic circle with exits on the left and right. Pedestrians who are thrown into this mess trying to get to the subway station simply take steps wherever there is not a vehicle. It’s a lot like playing Frogger.
  • I feel like God is making up for all those unfulfilled Chinese food cravings I had back in Chapel Hill. But now I just really want a Krispy Kreme original glazed donut, and the nearest Krispy Kreme is in Korea. Other things I miss: Ben and Jerry’s. Good Internet. My pillow.
  • My roommate recently informed me that I’ve been sleeping with a towel. I thought it was a blanket, but now that I know it’s a towel, it definitely feels like a towel. And it’s towel-sized. I’m still using it as a blanket, though.
  • Back home, people treated me like an American: always speaking to me in English, not recognizing that I’m Asian. Here, except for the people at work, everyone speaks to me in Chinese like I’m one of them. It’s a great feeling, and I love talking to people in Chinese with the little Chinese I know. I’m getting the Beijing accent down. “Wei? Ni hao. Zherrrr shirrr shei-ah?” “Qing dai women daor Huar-yuan Qiaor, xibei bian…dui, zai Xisanhuanr.” And I’ll be walking down the streets, seeing all this great food. “Oh, this guy’s selling jiaozi! Oh, he says that’s some yang rou on a stick! Dofu! Ooh, a huoguo dian! That restaurant has Beijing kao ya!” I love being part of the club.
  • Of course, I’m not part of the club. When I came here with my family, I got a few inquiries about where I was from. This time around, I think it’s pretty obvious. Being with Chris gives it away. I’m not quite sure what Beijingers think when they see us together, though. Guys gawk at me a lot and glare at Chris, but every once in a while, people will glare at me, too. I heard they are more cliquish here than in other cities, so I wonder if they think I shouldn’t be hanging out with the whities.
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